Subject: Health (Page 6)

At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I got a postcard from my gynecologist; It said, “Did you know it’s time for your annual check-up?” … no, but now my mailman does.

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor

If a patient dies, the doctor killed him, but if he gets well, the saints have saved him.

Urinalysis: The study of pissed off people.

Orthodox: Bone doctors.

Never say “oops” while your patient is conscious.

I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you have over forty eyes and have noticed how your vision has changed…

Both of my children had the chicken pops when they were young.

At first, you fear you will die; then, after it has a good hold on you, you fear you won’t die.

(1876 – 1916) American author, journalist & social activist

I feel like death eatin’ a soda cracker.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I was a kid I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood and one time we got caught… luckily, it was a Wednesday and we were just playing golf.

comedian

I have kleptomania; but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

(1927 – 2018) British comedian, singer & songwriter

The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare.

(1949 – ) American actor & environmentalist

Health is the thing that makes you feel that now is the best time of the year.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

(1875 – 1965) German/French theologian, organist, philosopher, physician & medical missionary

You know you have it when you can’t think of anything that’s your own fault.