Subject: People (Page 117)

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

(1952 – ) comedian
Marriage People Self

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It’s been along for years… it’s called cash.

(1962 – ) American comedian & actor
Activities People Shopping Women

Don’t marry a man to reform him; that’s what reform schools are for.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Marriage Men School

Some of the world’s greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
People Success

Manager: Someone who doesn’t know how to do your job, who tells you how to do your job.

Definitions People Work

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
People

You might be a redneck if… you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Clothing People Rednecks

The two most important jobs in America are held by foreigners – room service and goal-kicking.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Occupations People Sports Work

There have been only two geniuses in the world – Willie Mays and William Shakespeare.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress
People

Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.


(1929 – ) British television & radio critic
People Sex

… doing what men do normally… bonding… endlessly congratulating each other… and wandering around in small groups looking for something to break…

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Men People

And you know a man is a redneck if there's two boys in the same family named Jr.

(1926 – 1998) American country comedian
People Rednecks

A racing tipster who only reached Hitler's level of accuracy would not do well for his clients.

(1906 – 1990) British historian
People

Love is staying up all night with a sick child… or a healthy adult.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality
Friends People

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws People Stupidity

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Self Sex

Make sure to be in with your equals if you’re going to fall out with your superiors.

People

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self Situations

I can tell a woman’s age in half a minute — and I do!

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator
Age People Women

The plain truth is, that he was a most intolerable ruffian, a disgrace to human nature, and a blot of blood and grease upon the history of England.

(1812 – 1870) English novelist
England Insults People Places

Fifty percent of people have a below-average understanding of statistics.

People Science/Weather