Subject: People (Page 117)

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s; she changes it more often.

(1863 – 1935) British-born American writer, artist & illustrator

Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers; it's too good for them.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign

Many a man is saved from being a thief by finding everything locked up.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.

Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

He who hesitates is last.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

(1920 – 1992) American science and science fiction author & professor

It's so unfair because I go out of my way not to treat women like objects and end up having to treat objects like women.

stand-up comedian

He’s done everybody’s act; he’s a parrot with skin on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Americans can eat garbage, provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup, mustard, chili sauce, Tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper, or any other condiment which destroys the original flavor of the dish.

(1891 – 1980) novelist & painter

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.

(1863 – 1941) U.S. senator (California) & U.S. Secretary of the Treasury

Hell may have a worse climate but undoubtedly the company is spritelier.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist

Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.

(1878 – 1954) American actor of stage, screen & radio

Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn’t ordered.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer

My general appearance, and especially my face, have always been a source of depression to me.

(1878 – 1931) Irish artist

A toastmaster is a man who eats a meal he doesn’t want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn’t remember to people who’ve already heard them.

(1898 – 1981) actor, singer, songwriter & movie producer

Friends: There are two kinds of friends – those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, ‘Damn, that was good!'

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

(1809 – 1894) physician, professor, lecturer & author

Cannibals are not vegetarians, they are humanitarians.

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown; the difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director