Subject: Sex (Page 29)

My girlfriend always laughs during sex… no matter what she’s reading.

(1955 –2011) business magnate, co-founder & CEO of Apple

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, “Back up, I don't know how big this gets.”

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.

(1955– ) writer & screenwriter

If men knew how to do it, they wouldn’t have to pay for it.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humor was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex.

(1973 – ) English actress

My husband's penis is like a semicolon… I can't remember what it's for and I never use it anyway.

British comedian

Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.


Jamie Buchman: Would you please tell Lisa what guys think, when women give in on the first date?

Paul Buchman: [pauses] Yippee?

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer

England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.

(1934 – ) comedian

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much.

(1967 – ) English comedian

I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.

American comedian & writer

Now the only thing I miss about sex is the cigarette afterward.

(1936 – ) novelist, essayist & columnist

Nothing risqué, nothing gained.

(1887 – 1943) theater critic & commentator

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.


The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

(1940 – ) pornographic actress & publisher

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I dress for women… I undress for men.

(1931 – ) American actress

I have lowered my expectations, sexually; I don’t care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don’t make any grammatical errors.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Nymphomania: A disease where the patient enjoys being bedridden.

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

Trust me, ladies, if you knew even for a second how we men really look at you, you would never stop slapping us.

(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist