Subject: Situations (Page 41)

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals Situations

Things are never as bad as they turn out to be.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

(1847 – 1931) American inventor, scientist & businessman
Situations Things

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Health Situations Sleep

You give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; but you teach a man to fish – saved yourself a fish haven’t you?

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

Folks, if we're crashing, my seat cushion's gonna be used as a toilet.

comedian
Situations

If I was invisible for the day I think Id kick a mime artist to death.

(1972 – ) Scottish comedian
Situations

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

I once made love to a female clown… she twisted my penis into a poodle.

Dan Whitney (1963 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice artist
Sex Situations

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

(1932 – 1997) British journalist
Animals Situations

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Situations

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Government Lawyers Politicians Situations

Be sincere; be brief; be seated.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Communication Situations Speech

I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour; I said, “the whole time.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Time

Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

When a broken appliance is demonstrated to the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.


Situations

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places; he told me to keep out of those places.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health Places Situations

People have discovered that they can fool the devil; but they can't fool the neighbors.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
People Situations