Subject: Situations (Page 41)

Ain’t ya never heard silence is gold?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Places Situations

I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Religion Situations

Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Problems Situations Wordplay

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Communication Situations

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Situations

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

jwright

(1885 – 1962) Danish physicist
Situations

It looks like we’re up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!

cartoon character in Shrek 2 (Conrad Vernon)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

Any new activity will cause more trouble than you can possibly imagine.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

If you volunteer to do a task that nobody likes to do, you'll be expected to do it every time in the future.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Work

These are the days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations Time

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations

Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for it.

(1891 – 1974) 14th U.S. Chief Justice & politician
Problems Situations

If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist
Beliefs Situations

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking…,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

American actor & comedian
Marriage Situations Wives

My uncle was a hypnotist who, “d i d … n o t … t o u c h … m e … w h e n … I … w a s … y o u n g !”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.

Problems Situations

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking… and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison… so she’s dead.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Relationships Situations

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

People Situations Women