Subject: Situations (Page 51)

Right now, I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons.

Sex Situations

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I'm busier than a stump full of ants.

Activities Situations

Better late than… pregnant.

Proverbs Situations Time

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

(1921 – 2006) Polish science fiction author
Situations

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening… but this wasn't it.

Situations

A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
Problems Situations

I spent twelve years training for a career that was over in a week; Joe Namath spent one week training for a career that lasted twelve years.

(1949 – ) American Olympic athlete
Activities People Situations Sports

Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.

(1919 – 1998) American sportswriter
Golf People Situations Sports

Nearly all prophecies made in public are wrong.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

When I can’t sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Books Insults Reading/Writing Situations

I saw a sheet lying on the floor… it must have been a ghost that had passed out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

With a black president, I can relax…I can dance in public… I can buy a whole watermelon now.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Characteristics Government President Situations

My wife, she’s another one. Last night our house caught fire and I heard her tell the kids, “Shhh, be quiet; you’ll wake your father.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

I'm addicted to placebos; I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Situations

What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?

Irish journalist
Situations

How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Housework Men People Situations

It arrived by first-class mail in second-class condition.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations

We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Relationships Situations

You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude's house?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Dating People Relationships Situations Women

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals Situations