Subject: Situations (Page 7)

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it didn’t work for the rabbit.

American humorist
Situations

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Health Situations

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out; now I can go 500 mph.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question… wait a minute, I do have a dollar for every time I've been asked that question.

American basketball player & coach
Basketball Situations Sports

Seven-eighths of everything can’t be seen.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for it.

(1891 – 1974) 14th U.S. Chief Justice & politician
Problems Situations

These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder.

(1943 – ) American television journalist & author
Government Law Situations

He enjoys that perfect peace, that peace beyond all understanding, which comes at its maximum only to the man who has given up golf.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Golf Situations Sports

Ever notice how random chance always picks you for jury duty, but not to win the lottery?

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Science/Weather Situations

The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
Situations

People seldom know what they want until you give them what they ask for.

Situations

Don't worry, I'm merely catching up with sleep.

Epitaphs Situations Sleep

I recently got a fake tattoo on my arm, which is cool. I got one of those iron-on kinds; it's real cheap, it's cool – it's a flaming skull inside a giant red burn mark.

(1972 – ) television producer, writer, voice actor, comedian & musician
Situations Things

[Extending his hand at a campaign stop] I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you?
Woman: I'm your Secret Service agent.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Misspokements Situations

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Eating Food/Drink Proverbs Situations Sleep

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," – 'til the accident.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics Situations

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

(1952 – ) American columnist & author
People Self Situations

When I answer the door the kids hand ME candy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Situations Ugly

The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

If you find yourself in a confusing situation, simply laugh knowingly and walk away.

(1938 – ) American actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes