Subject: Situations (Page 7)

When I answer the door the kids hand ME candy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Situations Ugly

You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.

Dating Relationships Situations

I used to be indecisive; but now I'm not sure.

Characteristics Situations

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink People Situations

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks… and it was way to literal for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

If you're in a hole, stop digging.

Problems Situations

I have an intense desire to return to the womb… anybody's.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Situations

If an ass goes a-traveling, he'll not come home a horse.

Characteristics Proverbs Situations

If I knew what I was so anxious about, I wouldn't be so anxious.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Situations

There are four things that hold back human progress – ignorance, stupidity, committees and accountants.

(1797 – 1875) American accountant
Intelligence Situations Stupidity

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

comedian & animator
Situations

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Situations

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

Golf Situations Sports

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

The grass is always greener on the side that’s watered.

Proverbs Situations

Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!

(1892 –1957) American comic actor (of Laurel & Hardy)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

The way things are these days, a girl's gotta play hard to take.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Relationships Situations Women

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room; I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Sex Situations

To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations Work