Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 7)
Some people talk in their sleep; lecturers talk while other people sleep.
Albert Camus
(1913 – 1960) French-Algerian author, philosopher & journalist
Communication
Situations
Sleep
Speech
Lectures
One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
Sex
Situations
Wives
Before he died my father told me he never really walked to school without any shoes.
Mike DeStefano
(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Death
Fathers
School
Situations
Hardship
Shoes
I grew up in a poor family… I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.
Anthony Jeselnik
(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Money
Poverty
Situations
Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.
Larry David
(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Situations
Sometimes people have had terrible childhoods… and sometimes they just haven’t found their special place in life… and sometimes they’re dogs from hell and must be destroyed.
Charles Addams
(1912 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Addams Family)
People
Situations
Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it.
Stanisław Lec
(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Problems
Situations
Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning.
P.J. O'Rourke
(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Ideas
Sex
Situations
Bed
Imagination
I was planning on my future as a homeless person… I had a really good spot picked out.
Larry David
(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Situations
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking I got an odor eater.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Situations
Christmas stocking
Most projects require three hands.
Second Workshop Principle
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Situations
Hands
How could I confuse “I love you” with “May I take your order?
Jarod Kintz
(1982 – ) American author
Communication
Situations
Nothing makes it easier to resist temptation than a proper bringing-up, a sound set of values – and witnesses.
Franklin Jones
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Characteristics
Situations
Temptation
Values
Witnesses
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money
People
Situations
George Washington
ID
I was court-martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
Brendan Francis Behan
(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright
Government
Law
Situations
Executions
If I could take just one thing to a desert island… I probably wouldn’t go.
Dave Green
comedian
Situations
Desert island
A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on,’ she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’ and finally, question… number 10.’
Lee Mack
(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Situations
Blackouts
What I’m looking for is a blessing that’s not in disguise.
Kitty O'Neill Collins
Situations
Blessings
Don’t forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.
Rudyard Kipling
(1865 – 1936) English short-story writer, poet & novelist
Death
Situations
To a magazine that had published his obituary
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Anonymous
Activities
Games
Situations
Card tricks
Poker
Hell may have a worse climate but undoubtedly the company is spritelier.
Irvin Cobb
(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
People
Places
Situations
Climate
Hell
Page 7 of 53
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