Subject: Things (Page 22)

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Cars will not have intercourse in this bridge!

God is good, but never dance in a small boat.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor, comedian, author & radio personality

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

Houseplants: Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely bite or throw up on the carpet.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

My grandma always says that she never gets any phone calls; so, for her birthday, I put one of those ‘How’s my driving?’ bumper stickers on her car.

comedian

Communism doesn’t work because people like to own stuff.

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

1867 – 1931) English novelist

The wonderful world of home appliances now makes it possible to cook indoors with charcoal and outdoors with gas.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Inside every Russian doll there’s a Russian doll screaming to get out.