Subject: Things (Page 22)

Guest towel: A small square of non-absorbent fabric surrounded by waterproof embroidery.

Definitions Things

Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Family Things

A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Definitions Places Things

The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Murphy’s Laws Things

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Brecher: Unless there’s a canary in here, my hearing aid just died.
Interviewer: How long do those batteries last?
Brecher: About two weeks… longer if you don’t do any listening.

(1914 – 2008) screenwriter
Things

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Things Travel

The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions.

Murphy’s Laws Things

To err is human… and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Computers Failure Mistakes Things

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

(1959 – ) American comedian
Autos Things

The probability of arriving at the job site without a needed tool or with the wrong hardware are directly proportional with the square of the travel distance.
Corollary: You will always have what you need when the job is next to your shop.

Murphy’s Laws Things Work

Among the things money can't buy is what it used to.

typographer
Money Things

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

British stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Communication Things Wordplay

I got a $290 parking ticket today… my car only cost $240.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Autos Money Things

An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Houseplants: Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely bite or throw up on the carpet.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Things

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Things

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

comedian
Situations Things

A cigarette placed in an ashtray will go out if you stay in the room; if you leave the room, the cigarette will topple to the table, burn through, and drop to the floor, where it will smolder until it descends to ignite the drapes in the room below.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Boomerangs: They're making a comeback!

Headlines Things

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
America Arms Things