Subject: Things (Page 32)

Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.

Murphy’s Laws Success Things

Last week I bought a new phone; I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… pressed redial… the phone had a nervous breakdown.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Fuses never blow during daylight hours.
Corollary: Only after fuses blow do you discover the flashlight batteries are dead and you’re out of candles, or matches, or both.

Murphy’s Laws Things

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape: if it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

(1945 – ) Canadian comedian & actor
Things TV/Movie Quotes

The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.

Murphy’s Laws Things

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Friends Things

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

(1941 – ) actor, writer, poet & feminist
Autos Men People

Any organization is like a septic tank; the really big chunks rise to the top.

(1923 – 2005) American professor
Things

You might be a redneck if… you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals People Rednecks Things

There are two things no man will admit he cannot do well: drive and make love.

(1929 – ) English race car driver
Autos Driving Men People Sex

Always buy a good pair of shoes and a good bed – if you’re not in one you’re in the other.


Things

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor
Money Things Wealth

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations Things

Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of,  and you're buying again.

Definitions Things

Brecher: Unless there’s a canary in here, my hearing aid just died.
Interviewer: How long do those batteries last?
Brecher: About two weeks… longer if you don’t do any listening.

(1914 – 2008) screenwriter
Things

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?

(1950 – ) astronomer, author & computer security consultant
Computers People Things

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Murphy’s Laws Things

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

(1920 – 2004) Canadian author, television personality & journalist
People Places Sex Things