Subject: Things (Page 32)

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Things

If you need n items of anything, you will have n – 1 in stock.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

Police radios are the aural equivalent of doctors’ handwriting.

(1933 – 2008) American writer
Things

Boston's freeway system was clearly designed by a person who had spent his childhood crashing toy trains.

American author
Places Things

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


Communication Language Things

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

A pair of scissors should be a true pair; the second pair is to be used in place of the pair that is never where it is always supposed to be.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

Users: Computer users are divided into three types: Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users: people who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert users: people who break other people's computers.

Computers Definitions People Things

If a string has one end, it has another.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I spent all my money on a FAX machine; now I can only FAX collect.

Money Things

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Things

There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

Umbrella: A shelter for one and a shower for two.

Definitions Things

1. If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away.
2. If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as it is no longer accessible.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Autos Driving Marriage Wives

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things