Author: Anonymous Page 146

I hate to put you through all this rigor mortis.

Mixed metaphors

Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.

Definitions

Liberal: A man with his mind open at both ends.

Beliefs Definitions People

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.

Conflict Killing

I.T.: Customer Support without the common sense.

Definitions

This is just a nightmare waiting to happen.

Mixed metaphors

Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.

Animals Definitions

She is so fat… she laid on the beach and people tried to push her back into the ocean.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.

Definitions Health

“Where shall I plant these water lilies?” Tom pondered.

Tom Swifties

“That horse looks like a good bet at 20 to 1,” said Tom oddly.

Tom Swifties

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven’t got.

Health

The world is your lobster.

Mixed metaphors

It’s all moth-eared.

Malaprops

Stuff tends to break when it is loaned or borrowed.

Accidents Problems Things

Impossible Lie: In golf, a ball that is in a position that is both completely obstructed by an immovable object and continuously observed by an incorruptible player.

Definitions Golf Sports

Desk: A dangerous place from which to view the world.

Definitions

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Definitions

I can read him like the back of my book.

Mixed metaphors

“I’ve mailed the letter,” Tom assented.

Tom Swifties

We need to have photographic ears.

Mixed metaphors