Subject: Health

He was recently diagnosed with prostrate cancer.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee

And I’ll forgive the allergies.

(1874 – 1963) American poet

Could I get gangroon out of that?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

I had amnesia… once or twice.


I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… well, it's killing me!

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

The closest thing I have to a nutritionist is the Carlsberg Beer Company.

(1976 – ) Irish actor

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years!” … and then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became ‘medicine’… and the rest of it is just a nice bowl of soup and some potpourri.

(1972 – ) Irish comedian & television presenter

What this world needs is a damned good plague.

Psychology: The care of the id by the odd.

If your time ain’t come, not even a doctor can kill you.

I'm addicted to placebos; I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident… herpes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Fiber: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

He died of cirrhosis of the liver… it costs money to die of cirrhosis of the liver.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Urinalysis:The study of pissed off people.

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
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