Subject: Health

The rate of hospital admissions responds to bed availability; if we insist on installing more beds, they will tend to get filled.

Most Doctors Agree Breathing Regularly is Good for You

At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

(1921 – 2000) comedian, television host, musician, actor & writer

Psychiatrist: A head coach.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

You’re Sharp Enough To Be Your Own Surgeon

In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg… but leukemia is worse still.

English former football player & manager

The closest thing I have to a nutritionist is the Carlsberg Beer Company.

(1976 – ) Irish actor

Life is an incurable condition: the only known treatment is to try to keep the patient comfortable.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

You know you have it when you can’t think of anything that’s your own fault.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

You never have the right number of pills left on the last day of a prescription.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer

I am so pro-swine flu, I want it; we need a plague… it’s got to happen; don’t be afraid, it’s only going to kill the weak.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian

Orthodox: Bone doctors.

I'm going to have minor brain surgery.

American auto racer

The psychiatrist’s office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer