Subject: Health

”I think therefore I am.” is the statement of an intellectual who underrates toothaches.

(1929 – ) Czech writer
Health

They said he had neurosis of the liver.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Malaprops

Life is an incurable condition: the only known treatment is to try to keep the patient comfortable.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Health Life

Vaccination: An ouch of prevention.

Definitions Health

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Health

Psychiatrist to patient: You’re suffering from paranoia… anyone’ll tell you.

(1928 – ) English cartoonist
Health

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Books Communication Health Reading/Writing

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults Situations

Don’t knock coronaries… they’re all we women have got to guarantee us a prosperous and exciting middle age.

(1932 – 2000) English author & academic
Health People Women

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Health

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Appearance Body Fat Health

The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.

Death Doctors Health

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there were three other people.

(1915 – 1985) stage & film actor & director
Doctors Eating Food/Drink

Never say “oops” while your patient is conscious.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws Problems

… one says to the other her mum had a cyst on on her aviary.

Health Malaprops

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others; he gave me one with four cavities.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Health

Diaphragm: A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

Body Definitions Health

It’s stressful being a hypochondriac. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

Psychiatrists: People with the same problems as anyone else, but with an accent.

Definitions Doctors Health

Take the juice of two quarts of whisky…

(1904 – 1973) American guitarist & bandleader
Alcohol Health

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first; by the second day you're off it.

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor
Food/Drink Health