Subject: Health

The doctor felt the man's purse and thought it was awfully low.

VD: The gift that keeps on giving.

The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system.

(1961 – ) 44th U.S. president

Hypochondriac: One who can’t leave well-enough alone.

Study: Ecstasy Causes Brain Damage

If you’re feeling good, don’t worry… you’ll get over it.

I’m even in denial about the fact that I’m in therapy; I’ve just convinced myself there’s a friend that I see once a week, and then I lend her $90, and she never pays me back.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host

They said he had neurosis of the liver.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare.

(1949 – ) American actor & environmentalist

One finger in the throat and one in the rectum makes a good diagnostician.

(1849 – 1919) Canadian physician

[to the doctor] How about what I done for you in the bottle there? Ya know, the eulogy test.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

[Chickenpox] is the only disease that says,‘You know what, we did our thing once and now I’m out of here forever, peace.’

(1983 – ) American comedian & actor

I used to believe that chiropractors where charlatans, but then I went to one, and now I stand corrected.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

I am so pro-swine flu, I want it; we need a plague… it’s got to happen; don’t be afraid, it’s only going to kill the weak.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow; he told me to wear a brown tie.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

If men could get pregnant,abortion would be a sacrament.

(1916 – 2000) American lawyer & activist

I told him he’d have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.

(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck; don't go see Dr. Acula.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Psychology: The care of the id by the odd.

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