Subject: Health

All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?


My problem, uh, is behind me now.

(1953 – ) American baseball player

I used to believe that chiropractors where charlatans, but then I went to one, and now I stand corrected.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there’s a funeral.

(1927 – ) playwright & screenwriter

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called ‘the flu.’

(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian

I don’t want to say the wait was long, but the guy in front of me was being treated for a musket wound.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host

Psychiatrist: A head coach.

Don't be hollerin' at him, will ya, you'll give him a mental sterosis.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I'm addicted to placebos; I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

Paradox: Two physicians.

Why is it that men who can go through severe accidents, air raids, and any other major crisis always seem to think that they are at death's door when they have a simple head cold?"

(1898 – 1992) American actress

CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.

I met the surgeon general and he offered me a cigarette.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably your doctor getting sick.

You know what they call alternative medicine that's been proved to work… medicine.

(1975 – ) Australian comedian, actor, writer, musician & director

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!

(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian

When you become senile, you won't know it.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? … ever… there’s no reciprocity.

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