Subject: Health

I’m constipated, couldn’t give a shit.

American comedian

I have been laid up with intentional flu.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

If your time ain’t come, not even a doctor can kill you.

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”

(1940 – ) American basketball coach

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Paradox: Two physicians.

Keep paying the electricity bill.

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian

Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply quit in disgust.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist

I thought my doctor said I was heading for a rave.

Doctor: A man who suffers from good health.

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck; don't go see Dr. Acula.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

The English find ill-health not only interesting but respectable and often experience death in the effort to avoid a fuss.

(1908 – 1967) English novelist

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

A study shows breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness… from all the free drinks.

(1962 – ) American actor and talk show host

The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare.

(1949 – ) American actor & environmentalist

I quit because I was in the hospital and I realized that I truly believed that laughter was the best medicine, but it turns out penicillin works a hell of a lot better.

(1971 – ) American comedian, actor, television host & former physician

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I told my doctor I think my wife has V.D.; he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor













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