Random One-Liners

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Automatic weapons – aren’t.

My sister just got married; I was the maid of debt in that little event.

(1965 – ) American comedian

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

I Xeroxed a mirror and now I have an extra Xerox machine.


The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions.

Relax, Georgie, I'm just making my collar and cuffs match.

(1908 – 1942) American actress

Am I getting smart with you? … how would you know?

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.

(1918 – 1990) American composer, conductor, author & pianist

Confucius say… boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.

(1940 – 2005) comedian & movie actor

Learn to laugh at yourself, we certainly have.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian

White Castle,  Louisiana

In approaching a double door, you will always go to the one door that is locked, pull when you should have pushed, and push when the sign says pull.

Never take a reference from a clergyman; they always want to give someone a second chance.

The best thing about baseball is that you can do something about yesterday tomorrow.

Venezuelan baseball player

In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year… it was my second season in the bigs.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor

The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.

A man shouldn’t fool with booze until he’s fifty; then he’s a damn fool if he doesn’t.

(1897-1962) American writer