Random One-Liners

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

One thing in which the sexes are equal is in thinking that they're not.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

More dreadful than dangerous.

musician & film reviewer

Why would anybody want to go skiing? You could sit in the comfort of you own kitchen and break your knees with a hammer.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Confucius say… heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.

You’re welcome to take a bath; you look like the second week of the garbage strike.

(1927 – ) playwright & screenwriter

Sleep came as it must come to all British heavyweights, midway in the fifth round.

(1905–1982) American sportswriter

I believe that sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.

American film & television producer

Sometimes when I sleep at night I think of (Dr. Seuss's) 'Hop on Pop.’

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

A first rate soup is better than a second rate painting.

(1908 – 1970) American professor of psychology

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

(1884 – 1970) American actress

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out; but I can usually shut her up with cookies.

singer & musician

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Logic is a system whereby one may go wrong with confidence.

(1876 – 1958) inventor

If Threat Matrix made it onto the ABC schedule, imagine the shows that didn’t.

Sex Education: Sermon on the mount.

She would be like Richard Wagner if only she looked a bit more feminine.

(1892-1969) English poet & writer
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