Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
(1721 – 1771) Scottish poet & author
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.
(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!
(1926 – ) English sports commentator
Drug: A substance that, when injected into a guinea pig, produces a scientific paper.
You haven’t lived until you’ve died in California.
(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Living is messy.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
It is hard for the ape to believe that he has descended from man.
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
And he’s got the icepack on his groin there, so it’s possibly not the old shoulder injury.
English rugby player & commentator
If beauty is truth, why don’t women go to the library to have their hair done?
(1805 – 1864) English editor, novelist & sporting writer
Nice guys finish last.
(1906 – 1991) American baseball player, coach & manager
Gigolo: A fee-male.
Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
(1955 – ) cartoonist
(Calvin and Hobbes)
Confucius say… who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
I broke in with four hits and the writers promptly declared they had seen the new Ty Cobb… it took me only a few days to correct that impression.
(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
It is always the best policy to speak the truth…` unless, of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome
(1859 – 1927) English writer
Why is a puck called a puck? Because ‘dirty little bastard’ was taken.
Canadian hockey player
A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure.
I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
(1938 – 2007) British writer
Fortunes are made by buying low and selling too soon.
Nathan Mayer Rothschild
(1840 – 1915) British banker & politician
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