Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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I didn’t ask her for nothin.’ It was her that
All In the Family
A fly was very close to being called a “land,” cause that's what they do half the time.
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
So windy he could blow up an onion sack.
Mr. Hollister: Just how obscene an amount of cash are we talking about here? Profane or really offensive?
Edward Lewis: Really offensive.
Mr. Hollister: I like him so much.
(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
As Mr. Hollister in “Pretty Woman”
Drebin: Do you think you can beat the champ?Briggs: I can take him blindfolded.Drebin: What if he’s not blindfolded?
(1926 – 2010) Canadian actor
As Lt. Frank Drebin in “Police Squad”
Confucius say… don't confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.
Generally the theories we believe we call facts, and the facts we disbelieve we call theories.
(1907 – 1953) American lawyer & scholar
A joke is a very serious thing.
(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Love and marriage go together like angel cake and anthrax.
(1959 – ) English writer & columnist
I thought he was a young man of promise; but it appears he was a young man of promises.
Arthur James Balfour
(1848 – 1930) British Conservative politician & statesman
On Winston Churchill
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
him in a blanket.
Retire to what?… I'm a golfer and a fisherman; there's nothing to retire to.
When asked if he was thinking of retirement
To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.
professional football player
Upon hearing Joe Jacoby say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl.”
Write drunk; edit sober.
Peter De Vries
(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Gregory: Rose, I love you and I… I want to be married to you.
Rose: Gregory, You
married to me.
Gregory: Uh… that’s right!
(1942 – ) American singer-songwriter, actress, writer, film producer & director
As Rose Morgan in “The Mirror Has Two Faces”
One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it.
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Man of your dreams
I find, then, I am but a bad anatomist.
(1763 – 1798) Irish revolutionary figure
After cutting his throat in prison in a suicide attempt he severed his windpipe instead of his jugular and lingered for several days
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