Random One-Liners

As I get older I'm going to hear "You look great" a lot less than I'm going to hear "You look sick.”

American stand-up comedian

You might be a redneck if… your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Politician: A fellow who borrows your pot in which to cook your goose.

There’s no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world’s worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world’s worst weapons.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

If he'd just tip he cap once, he could be elected mayor of Boston in five minutes.

baseball player, coach & manager

You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow.

(1924 – 2014) American actress & model

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

(1974 – ) American comedian

Put the 'off' button on.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Chip Shot: A short, low approach shot that gets a player into position for one or more missed puts.

Exceptions always outnumber rules.

The one piece that holds the whole thing together will be missing.

I could shoot better!

(1920 – 1945) Dutch communist resistance fighter during World War II

Let’s stop the startwatch.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator

Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.

The grass is always greener on the side that’s watered.

Went to the beach today; I could feel the women just dressing me with their eyes.

television writer, producer & director

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you’re away and get nothing done, there’s another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

(1869 – 1946) American bridge builder & engineer

Wait until Tommy (Lasorda) meets the Lord and finds out that He's wearing pinstripes.

American baseball pitcher

We're fixing to go down to Galveston and obviously are going to see a devastated part of this fantastic state.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Humankind cannot stand very much reality.

(1888 – 1965) British (US-born) critic, dramatist & poet

My husband asked me to talk dirty to him during sex; I told him to go f**k himself.

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