Random One-Liners

You might be a redneck if… you’re banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

It’s the gossip columnist’s business to write about what is none of his business.

(1904 – 1980) American critic & author

The one item you need is always in short supply.

A circle is a line of no depth running round a point forever.

The efficiency of a committee meeting is inversely proportional to the number of participants and the time spent on deliberations.

Sam: Somebody wants you at another table.
Diane: Who?
Sam: Everybody at this one.

(1947) is an American actor, author & producer

There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having to get up.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host

Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss; whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

I drink therefore I am.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I hate thin people; “Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?”

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I just did some serious cleaning in here; you could totally eat off this table.

Pitching always beats batting — and vice-versa.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

Baby: An alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.

Yeah, after each of my downhill putts.

professional golfer

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it softly.

(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist

Racing is 99 per cent boredom and one per cent terror.

Australian auto racer

Confucius say… best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

(1769 – 1821) French general & politician

All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets… printed at different scales.

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