Random One-Liners

Middle age is when anything new in the way you feel is most likely a symptom.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Age

No matter how many beautifully crafted, near-to-perfection baked goods you crank out on a regular basis, the moment one such item becomes required in some official capacity, it will flop.

Cooking Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

Subsidy: A formula devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it’s a gift.

Definitions

She changes prices. I caught her in a near misdemeanus.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Crime Misspokements

Peter Marshall: Time Life Books calls it the most complex lump of matter known to man. What is it?

Joan Rivers: My eggs Benedict!

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor
Life Problems TV/Movie Quotes

Money is something you got to make in case you don’t die.

(? – 1968) Russian-American, founder of New York’s famed Stage Deli
Money

Wolf: A fellow who wants his hands on a girl, but doesn’t want a girl on his hands.

Definitions Men People

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Situations

Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve; run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened; keep the company of bums and you will become a bum; hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.

Characteristics Money Murphy’s Laws People

“Mash” the gas

Miscellaneous

Sudden success in golf is like the sudden acquisition of wealth; it is apt to unsettle and deteriorate the character.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Age Golf Sports Success Wealth

Can’t act… slightly bald… also dances.

Acting Dance Entertainment

There’s an unseen force which lets birds know when you’ve just washed your car.

(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter
Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Peter Marshall:  Shakespeare wrote 154 of them.  What are they?

Charley Weaver:  Checks to Rose Marie for services rendered.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

The score never interested me, only the game.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Activities Games

There are plenty of good five cent cigars in the country… the trouble is they cost a quarter.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Activities Money

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

Spilt Milk: Udder waste.

Definitions Food/Drink Wordplay

Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!

Headlines

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

(1917 – 1963) 35th U.S. president
Characteristics