Random One-Liners

The head never rules the heart, but just becomes it's partner in crime.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author

You’ll never make a footballer while ever your arse points to the ground.

English football player & manager

We haven't had the rub of the dice.

English football player & manager

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

fictional character from the book series by A. A. Milne

He's not twins.

(1923 – 2001) American football coach

I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "F**k that… I'll just get a tan instead.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I enjoy hitting a batsman more than getting him out. It doesn't worry me in the least to see a batsman hurt, rolling around screaming and blood on the pitch.

Australian crickete

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

You might be a redneck if… your the tail light covers of your car are made of red tape.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director

Giving Northerners unbuttered instant grits is an old remedy for getting rid of tourists.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Any military project will take twice as long as planned, cost twice as much, and produce only half of what is wanted.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her. It’s her wedding day.

Joey: What? Like there’s some rule or something?

(1967 – ) American actor & producer

After three years of marriage, there are some questions I'd like to ask my wife… little things like, 'Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair?

comedian & actor

Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

All weddings, except those with shotguns in evidence, are wonderful.

(1923 – ) American journalist & gossip columnist

We went skinny dipping and we did things that frightened the fish.

(1967 – ) American actress & producer
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