Random One-Liners

Many TV programs suck, but none has ever sucked with such eye-popping abandon as this one.

Irish reviewer

Brace Yourselves for a Good 12 inches!

You might be a redneck if… you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

It’s difficult to know what’s going on, and even harder to care.

British broadcaster, writer & film critic

I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Confucius say… happiness is a way station between too little and too much.

Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Linford Christie’s got a habit of pulling it out when it matters most.

(1926 – ) English sports commentator

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Whatever is on the floor will wind up in your baby’s mouth; whatever is in your baby’s mouth will wind up on the floor.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist

It was better than a couple of years I had.

American baseball player

Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the priviledge.

The larger the project or job, the less time there is to do it.

Woody: How’s it going Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Poor.
Woody: I’m sorry to hear that.
Norm: No, I mean pour.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor

When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.

Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you're fooling about!

(1891 – 1930) American serial killer, arsonist & burglar

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof, the smoking gun that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Confucius say… army like blow job… closer to discharge you get, the better it feels.

The only thing I like about rich people is their money.

(1879 – 1964) British politician

If I weren’t earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people in the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
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