Random One-Liners

No matter how often the lie is shown to be false, there will still remain a percentage of people who believe it true.

Street hockey is great for kids. It’s energetic, competitive, and skillful… and best of all it keeps them off the street.

Canadian hockey player

 When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.

professional baseball player

Keeping house is as unpleasant and filthy as coal mining, and the pay's a lot worse.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

We’re in for a long struggle, and I think Texans understand that… and so do Americans.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Umpire: The original strike arbitrator.

A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you sore if it happened to you!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

When packing for a vacation, take half as much clothing and twice as much money.

Just give me 25 guys on the last year of their contract; I’ll win a pennant every year.

(1934 – 2010) American baseball manager

Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.

A man doesn’t know the value of a woman’s love until he starts paying alimony.

If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage, you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel full of wine, you get sewage.

FREE TO GOOD HOME – Beautiful 6 mo. old male kitten — orange & caramel tabby, playful, friendly very affectionate, ideal for family w/ kids. OR Handsome 32 yr. old husband – personable, funny, good job, but doesn't like cats. Says he goes or cat goes. Call Jennifer 265-…. — come see both and decide which you'd like.

Another half-baked helping of the worst kind of scientific clap-trap.

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

I’m not a cancer, I’m a Gemini.

American ice hockey player

The crowd noise has gone up several octaves since the beginning of the game!

Expert: A person who knows enough about what’s really going on to be scared.

(1944 – ) American author & entrepreneur

I tried cocaine to lose weight… it just made me eat faster.

(1953 – ) American comedian & actor

Ronnie's hero is Calvin Coolidge and Nancy's is Calvin Klein.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

What the hell’s wrong with him now?

(1925 – ) baseball player, coach & manager
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