Random One-Liners

A conservative is someone who believes in reform… but not now.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Cats don’t belong to people; they belong to places.


Let the others have the charisma, I've got the class.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Confucius say… friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me – I quit."

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Charles Farrar Browne (1834 – 1867) humorist

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer

Fruit… it's just God showing off… “Look at all the colors I know!”

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

You know I'm the only Iraqi comedian… yeah true… at least that makes us three more than Germany.

(1965 – ) British-Iranian comedian, actor & writer

Marriage: A process of finding out what sort of guy your wife would have preferred.

You know when an actress like Claire Forlani starts making fun of other actresses for being anorexic, the film is operating in another dimension.

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he were married to Dolly Parton, he’d ask her to cook.

American football player

More dreadful than dangerous.

musician & film reviewer

I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes; now how do you explain football then?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.

The Animal Rescue Site