Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you
don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.
(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Andy Warhol made fame more famous.
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
One thing in which the sexes are equal is in thinking that they're not.
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?
cartoon character in
More dreadful than dangerous.
musician & film reviewer
Of the movie “Dangerous Game”
Why would anybody want to go skiing? You could sit in the comfort of you own kitchen and break your knees with a hammer.
(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Confucius say… heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.
You’re welcome to take a bath; you look like the second week of the garbage strike.
(1927 – ) playwright & screenwriter
From “The Gingerbread Lady”
Sleep came as it must come to all British heavyweights, midway in the fifth round.
(1905–1982) American sportswriter
On boxer Bruce Woodcock
I believe that sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy.
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.
American film & television producer
Sometimes when I sleep at night I think of (Dr. Seuss's) 'Hop on Pop.’
George W. Bush
(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
In a speech about childhood education
A first rate soup is better than a second rate painting.
(1908 – 1970) American professor of psychology
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
(1884 – 1970) American actress
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out; but I can usually shut her up with cookies.
Cora Harvey Armstrong
singer & musician
Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Logic is a system whereby one may go wrong with confidence.
(1876 – 1958) inventor
If Threat Matrix made it onto the ABC schedule, imagine the shows that didn’t.
Sex Education: Sermon on the mount.
She would be like Richard Wagner if only she looked a bit more feminine.
(1892-1969) English poet & writer
On Dame Ethel Smyth
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