Random One-Liners

Only the winners decide what were war crimes.

(1934 – ) American author, journalist & historian

Just give every coach the same amount of money and tell them they can keep what’s left over.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach

The future ain’t what it used to be.

(1925 – ) baseball player, coach & manager

I believe people ought to mate for life… like pigeons or Catholics.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.

(1948 – ) English novelist

The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

If you're coasting, you're going downhill.

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.

(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer

They said he had neurosis of the liver.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's rainin'!

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

Like a jackass in a tin stable

As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense.

(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist

Where did we go right?

(1915 – 1977) American actor of stage and screen

The first example of superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of inferior principle.

The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.

(1925 – 2008) American actor, director & entrepreneur

Cars will not have intercourse in this bridge!

Anyone who studied McCall's contribution to the fight would not have been surprised that he failed to hit a sample tube with the required amount afterwards. Bruno, of course, had no such trouble. He is well used to having the piss taken out of him by his fellow countrymen.

sportswriter

Fish and visitors smell in three days.

(1706 – 1790) founding father, author, scientist, inventor & statesman

Living in England, provincial England, must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife.

(1910 – 1997) American writer

Ah, Luisa, you always arrive just as I am leaving.

(1798 – 1866) Italian statesman, novelist & painter