Random One-Liners

Here I am paying big money to you writers and what for? … all you do is change the words.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

He's trying to hypnotize me, and it's not in that good Las Vegas kind of way.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Die… I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.

(1882 – 1942) American actor

I'm not upset about my divorce; I'm only upset I'm not a widow.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Marshall's bowling with his head.

Happily, Helen Hunt takes the “ick” and “ick” out of chick flick.

film reviewer

You might be a redneck if… you've been on television more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter’s advantage for the other to have said.

I think Foosball© is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

The Yankees don’t pay me to win every day, just two out of three.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

If I were a cop and I had seen both Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer, I'd be at writer Kevin Williamson’s house searching it for drugs. If I didn't find something, I'd plant a kilo of heroin in his ass for writing this piece of crap.

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

The Lord may be smilin’ on the sheeps, but they still wind up as lamb chops.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Wealth is any income that is at least one hundred dollars a year more than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Confucius say… never marry a woman with big hands… it will make dick look smaller.

Judge: Do you swear?

Curly: No! But I know all the woids!

(1903 – 1952) American comedian & actor (The Three Stooges)

The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.

(the Science Guy) (1955 – ) American science educator, writer & scientist

They say he rides as if he’s part of the horse, but they don’t say which part.

(1896 – 1955) American playwright

Fiction writing is great; you can make up almost anything.

(1949 – ) Czech socialite, wife of business magnate Donald Trump

Anton Bruckner wrote the same symphony nine times, trying to get it just right… he failed.

(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist

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