Random One-Liners

After I failed my second test, I grabbed my teacher by the front of the shirt and said “Are you ‘trying’ to keep this shit a secret?”

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A great zircon in the diadem of American literature.

(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I don’t think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona.

English football player & manager

I get a lot of cracks about my hair, mostly from men who don't have any.

(1933 – 2006) politician

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility, and vice versa.

Four be the things I’d been better without;

love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

I hope God speaks English; if I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.

(1956 – ) author & movie actress

Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in peace and quiet.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

I just did some serious cleaning in here; you could totally eat off this table.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.


If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Al, why don't you get a haircut?

(1897 – 1961) American actress

I know I’m not sexy; in high school I was voted “Most Likely to Masturbate.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

Detroit’s so bad this year they might lose their bye week.

(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality

This is on me.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what's wrong with it.

(1908 – 1990) English actor
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