Random One-Liners

The dime hasn’t been minted that could march past Jack Benny.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Think?… how the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?

(1925 – ) baseball player, coach & manager

Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Let me ask you… would crack be so bad, and would people think so harshly of crack, if it were called 'crackle'?

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian

He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

If you’ve never been hated by your child, you’ve never been a parent.

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater

Life’s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.

(1824 – 1895) French writer

Creativity: The sudden cessation of stupidity.

I violated the Noah rule: Predicting rain doesn’t count; building arks does.

(1930 – ) financier & investment businessman

We’ve got to find a way to win; I’m willing to start cheating.

professional football player

You might be a redneck if… you go to the family reunion to meet women.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

This is it! I'm going. I'm going.

(1886 – 1950) American singer, comedian & actor

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

There are two sides to every argument, and they’re usually married to each other.

You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Is a narcissist’s suicide a crime of passion?


I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Historian: An editor of yesterday’s news.

He's so strong, he doesn't call the cattle in… he carries them in.

(1928 – ) Canadian professional ice hockey player
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