Random One-Liners

There are three things that go on a fighter, first your reflexes go, then your chin goes, and then your friends go.

1922 – 2006) American boxing champion

Like rotten mackerel by moonlight, he shines and stinks.

(1773 – 1833) British politician

Here I am paying big money to you writers and what for? … all you do is change the words.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian, writer & director

You might be a redneck if… you wear someone else's work shirt.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Gomez: He has my father's eyes.

Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.

(1951 – ) American actress & director

One man's folly is another man's wife.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

He’s too nervous to kill himself; he wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

(1920 – 2000) American actor

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.

Those are the only balls you've touched all day!

Stephen Gascoigne (1878 – 1942) Australian sports fan & heckler

You might be a redneck if… your during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Murphy’s Law was not propounded by Murphy, but by another man of the same name.

History is the short trudge from Adam to atom.

(1904 – 1974) American author & radio producer

The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.

Carter Plans Swell Deficit

Idiot: A man who sees your point in an argument but refuses to see your way.

Thou shalt not commit adultery; 'now, you know no guy would have ever dreamed that one up.

American comedian & writer

I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night.

(1961 – 1994) comedian

His pictures seem to resemble not pictures but a sample book of patterns of linoleum.

(1890 – 1954) British critic

'Bush and Son: Leading America to War Since 1990.'

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
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