Random One-Liners

Censorship: The power of the suppress.

Them what gets – has.

Actions lie louder than words.

(1966 – ) American magazine editor

One of the funniest antidotes of all time.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after and only after the design is complete. (Often referred to as the ‘Now They Tell Me' Law)

The faster he goes, the quicker he’ll get to the pits; the slower he goes, the longer it will take.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator

Everything comes to him who waits… except a loaned book.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

I just moved into a new house – so I had to go door to door to notify my neighbors that I am a registered sex offender… I’m not really, but it keeps those f**king kids out of my yard!

comedian

Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couple and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Jean Alesi is 4th and 5th.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator

When I was born I owed twelve dollars.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist

Daughter: A person who Dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who Mom is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her.

Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else’s position.

If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate.

Why do they call that funny little statue a bust when it stops right before the part of the body that it’s named after?

(1946 – ) American comedian

Physician: One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

If God wants to produce the ideal golfer then He should create a being with a set of unequal arms and likewise legs, an elbow-free left arm, knees which hinge sideways and a ribless torso from which emerges, at an angle of 45 degrees, a stretched neck fitted with one color-blind eye stuck firmly on the left side.

golf author

Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout; that's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
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