Quotes and One Liners
humorous one liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
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You are always complimented on the item that took the least effort to prepare. Example: If you make roast turkey, you will be complimented on the baked potato.
Third Law of Kitchen Confusion
Belly: The veranda over the toy shop.
My mother and father were really so poor they couldn’t afford to have any children, the lady next door had us.
(1933 – 1998) comedian & actor
'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' – that is the insect motto.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It’s not about who you love, it’s how you love. Genitalia is just God’s way of accessorizing.
(1943 – ) American actress
As Debbie Novotny in “Queer as Folk”
I've been big ever since I was little.
William "The Refrigerator" Perry
American football player
It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses.
Mrs. Patrick Campbell
(1865-1940) English actress
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
I know when I'm having sex with a woman, she's thinking about love and marriage and romance, and I'm thinking, 'A hundred bucks?… I can't afford this.'
You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Don Quixote would understand golf. It is the impossible dream.
(1919 – 1998) American sportswriter
The trial lawyers are very politically powerful… but here in Texas we took them on and got some good medical – medical malpractice.
George W. Bush
(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Can I bite him?
Randall “Tex” Cobb
(1950 – ) American boxer & actor
In response to the referee asking “Any questions?” prior to his bout with Earnie Shavers
Confucius say… you know you are geek when you look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
Think of it as a carefully constructed entertainment for the benefit of people who really, really like beer commercials.
(1962 – ) British journalist & film critic
Of the film “Lock
Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”
A lot of horses get distracted; it’s just human nature.
Confucius say… before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.
Owww… it caught ‘em right in the pants area.
(1958 – ) Canadian hockey player & announcer
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
I’m English, but I want to let you know that even though I’m English, I’m not here to solve a murder mystery.
When life gives you lemons, just say ‘Fuck the lemons’ and bail.
(1969 - ) American actor, comedian, & screenwriter
As Surfing instructor in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”
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