Random One-Liners

A conservative is one who is opposed to the things he is in favor of.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher

Hot Pants: Breeches of promise.

Show me an archaeologist, and I’ll show you a man who practices skull drudgery.

Lead me not into temptation – I can find the way myself.

1944) is an American writer & screenwriter

I'm the commander – see, I don't need to explain – I do not need to explain why I say things; that's the interesting thing about being president.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Legitimate reality company

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

This isn’t the state of California, it’s a state of insanity.

(1919 – 2003) American actor & television host

Some people say George Foreman is fit as a fiddle, but I think he looks more like a cello.

(1922 – ) boxing trainer & manager

It is now possible they can get the impossible score they first thought possible.

British cricket journalist

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I practice when I’m loaded.

(1925 – 1985) American jazz saxophonist

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to use it in a fruit salad.

I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father; he said he wanted more proof.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.

(1904 – 1986) English-American actor

Keanu Reeves, perhaps worried that he was showing too much range, has purged himself of all expression apart from a worried frown and a sorrowful grimace.

(1966 – ) American journalist & film critic

[to his now-fat ex-wife, at their daughter’s wedding] Remember, you haven’t lost a daughter – you’ve gained a ton.

(1935 – ) American actor

On New Year’s Eve, people in New Jersey stay up ‘til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Most people tire of a lecture in ten minutes; clever people can do it in five; sensible people never go to lectures at all.

(1869 – 1944) Canadian economist & humorist

Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.

golf writer

One thing you learned as a Cubs fan: when you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth.

(1926 – 2016) American baseball player, announcer & television host

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You

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