Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
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Alfred E. Neuman
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Either I’ve been missing something or nothing has been going on.
Karen Elizabeth Gordon
The customer is always ripe.
Peter’s Salesmanship Rule
Laurence J. Peter
It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.
(1973 – ) American comedian
Now that Im retired, I want to say that all defensive linemen are sissies.
American football player
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
(1885 – 1957) French stage actor, film actor, director, screenwriter & playwright
Also Edgar Watson Howe
Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke” … but to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.
(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist
If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.
(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
When it comes to eating, you can sometimes help yourself more by helping yourself less.
(1906 – 1989) American poet & author
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Colonel Blake: Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix about you… says you stole a jeep up at Headquarters.
Hawkeye Pierce: No sir, no, I didn’t steal it. No, it’s right outside.
(1935 – ) Canadian actor
As Hawkeye Pierce in the film “M*A*S*H”
If Michaelangelo had been a heterosexual, the Sistine Chapel would have been painted basic white and with a roller.
Rita Mae Brown
1944) is an American writer & screenwriter
Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll under the car to the vehicle's exact geographic center.
Johnson's First Law of Auto Repair
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is “cheval,” and everything else follows in the same way.
Alan J. Perlis
(1922 – 1990) American computer scientist
Pugsley: We're not shy!
Wednesday: We're contagious.
(1980 – ) American actress
As Wednesday Addams in “The Addams Family”
Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times… definitely will.
Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom
He's skating like he's 36 again.
Canadian hockey player
After 38-year-old teammate Guy Carbonneau had a great game
The day Mickey Mantle bunted when the wind was blowing in on Crosley Field.
American baseball pitcher
On his greatest all-star game memory
There is never enough time, unless you’re serving it.
(1919 – 1990) publisher & author
The only advice I ever got from my dad is this: sex is like pizza, even when it's bad you still gotta pay for it.
(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
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