Random One-Liners

Confucius say… people who say they never fart, are full of hot air.

A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.

(1934 – ) American actress, dancer, activist & author

We have the greatest democracy in the world; of course, you don't have to win the election to become president, but don't nitpick this to death, alright?

(1953 – ) American comedian & writer

When New Zealanders emigrate to Australia, it raises the average IQ of both countries.

(1921 – 1992) New Zealand prime minister

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

That woman, got a mouth like an outboard motor.

cartoon character (Mel Blanc)

Disorder expands proportionately to the tolerance for it.

I am not part of the problem, I am a Republican.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

I've got to get out of this rut and back in the groove.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

I first suspected that my father was gay when I asked him to pick a number between one and ten, and he was all, ‘I’m gay.’

(1978 – ) American actor, comedian & writer

Confucius say… fool and his money are soon partners.

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

They weren't really weddings, just long costume parties.

(1920 – 2002) American singer

All those football coaches who hold dressing-room prayers before a game should be forced to attend church once a week.

(1915 – 1987) American football player and coach

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Better an empty house than an unwelcomed guest.

Not blessed with beauty…

Well, now I must go to meet God and try to explain all those men I killed at Alamein.

(1887 – 1976) British Army officer