Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
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Alfred E. Neuman
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My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
I knew I was in trouble when I heard snap, crackle, and pop, and I wasn't having a bowl of cereal.
Canadian hockey player
After suffering a spiral ankle fracture in a fight
I shouldn’t tell jokes about my wife. She’s attached to a machine that keeps her alive… the refrigerator.
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver; finishing second in politics gets you oblivion.
Richard M. Nixon
(1913 – 1994) 37th U.S. president
Sometimes, when I’m sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work; they never last too long though, because invariable someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus.
Antibody: Against everyone.
It’s like kissing Hitler.
(1925 – 2010) American film actor
On kissing Marilyn Monroe
Confucius say… easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Every organization has an allotted number of positions to be filled by incompetents.
Theory of Organizational Deviance
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer
You might be a redneck if… your the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.
cartoon character in
Listen to your heart
The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.
(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Confucius say… church's bills are always due unto others.
Sex is natural, but not if it's done right.
Their idea of a minority is, in all seriousness, a British dude painted orange.
“The Big Wedding”
Antique: Something too old to be anything but too expensive.
If you have the facts on your side, hammer the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer the law. If you have neither the facts nor the law, hammer the table.
Michael’s Law of Advocacy
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