Random One-Liners

You are always complimented on the item that took the least effort to prepare. Example: If you make roast turkey, you will be complimented on the baked potato.

Belly: The veranda over the toy shop.

My mother and father were really so poor they couldn’t afford to have any children, the lady next door had us.

(1933 – 1998) comedian & actor

'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' – that is the insect motto.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

It’s not about who you love, it’s how you love. Genitalia is just God’s way of accessorizing.

(1943 – ) American actress

I've been big ever since I was little.

American football player

It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses.

(1865-1940) English actress

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

I know when I'm having sex with a woman, she's thinking about love and marriage and romance, and I'm thinking, 'A hundred bucks?… I can't afford this.'


You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Don Quixote would understand golf. It is the impossible dream.

(1919 – 1998) American sportswriter

The trial lawyers are very politically powerful… but here in Texas we took them on and got some good medical – medical malpractice.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Can I bite him?

(1950 – ) American boxer & actor

Confucius say… you know you are geek when you look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."

Think of it as a carefully constructed entertainment for the benefit of people who really, really like beer commercials.

(1962 – ) British journalist & film critic

A lot of horses get distracted; it’s just human nature.

Horse trainer

Confucius say… before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.

Owww… it caught ‘em right in the pants area.

(1958 – ) Canadian hockey player & announcer

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I’m English, but I want to let you know that even though I’m English, I’m not here to solve a murder mystery.


When life gives you lemons, just say ‘Fuck the lemons’ and bail.

(1969 - ) American actor, comedian, & screenwriter
The Hunger Site