Quotes and One Liners
short humorous quotes, jokes, definitions, Murphy's Laws & more
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Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
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Holland lies so low they're only saved by being dammed.
(1799 – 1845) English writer
There is no such thing necessarily in a dictatorial regime of iron-clad absolutely solid evidence. The evidence I had was the best possible evidence that he had a weapon.
George W. Bush
(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
The nearest approach to immortality on earth is a government bureau.
James F. Byrnes
(1879 – 1972) U.S. governor (South Carolina)
My specialty is detached malevolence.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
(1884 – 1980) author & wit
In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse.
All In the Family
One missed photographic opportunity creates a desire to purchase two additional pieces of equipment.
Dowling's Law of Photography
Gloria: How come you married Daddy instead of (Freddie Witthauser)?Edith: Well, I liked being called a “Goddess of Beauty”, but somehow it seemed more permanent when your father called me a dingbat.
(1923 – 2013) American actress
As Edith Bunker in “All In the Family”
The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
(1911 – 1989) television actress
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president… now I'm beginning to believe it.
(1857 – 1938) American lawyer
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
At 15 we put down my bag to hunt for a ball, found the ball, lost the bag.
(1942 – ) American professional golfer
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
Sydney J. Harris
(1917 –1986) American journalist
Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you get.
‘Brother’ David Gardner
(1926 – 1983) American comedian & singer
Television opened up a whole new field of unemployment for him.
(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Of John Barrymore
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.
Lewis Grizzard Jr.
(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
(1864 –1945) Anglo-Scottish socialite, author & wit
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Failure has gone to his head.
(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Adam and Eve
You always hear a headline like this,”Man Killed By Shark,” you never hear it from the other perspective, “Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food.”
(1950 – ) American cartoonist
The Far Side
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