Random One-Liners

Violinist: A high-strung musician.

Penis: Part of the male anatomy which contains the brain.

You never realize what a good memory you have until you try to forget something.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

We appreciate all the fans that are here, but we really respect the five or six who stayed with us all year.

(1962 – ) American ice hockey goaltender

Football coaches walk across the field after the game and pretend to congratulate the opposing coach; baseball managers head right for the beer.

American sportswriter

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to never practice either of them.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Watching Bride Wars is like being dragged to your third cousin’s niece’s wedding, then finding out that they’re not even serving alcohol at the reception.

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Immortality – a fate worse than death.


If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian

Doug probably fell while he was looking for a place to jump.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer

My New Year’s Resolution for 2010? … I will be less laz

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Be content to remember that those who can make omelets properly can do nothing else.

(1870 – 1953) Anglo-French writer & historian

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay, but here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist

Confucius say… never marry a woman with big hands… it will make dick look smaller.

Positive Thinking: self-improvement through self-deception.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

Confucius say… few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Here’s a guy who can use his arms and legs at the same time.

(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer

No captain with all the hindsight in the world can predict how the wicket is going to play.

British sports commentator

Wet she’s a star; dry she ain’t.

(1891 – 1951) comedian, singer, theater & film actress

How can I die, I'm booked.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.