Random One-Liners

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

No matter where you are, there you are.

I'm glad it's him and not some other puke.

Canadian hockey player

I accept the fact that I'm going to miss it sometimes. I just hope I miss it where I can find it.

American professional golfer

Confucius say… wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

I make no bones about it; I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night.

(1961 – 1994) comedian

Jazz Musician: A juggler who uses harmonies instead of oranges.

Once the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

You can’t think and hit the ball at the same time.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood – Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.

(1945 – ) American actress, film director & producer

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You can sue McDonald’s if you get fat, you can sue Marlboro if you get cancer, you can try suing Guinness for all the ugly people you've shagged, but you can't sue your TV for exposing you to this.

Irish reviewer

The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything.

(1826 – 1877) English economist & journalist

This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.

horse racing trainer & commentator

Advertising is the art of making whole lies out of half truths.


I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There are two kinds of light — the glow that illumines, and the glare that obscures.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

Larry Holmes didn't beat me — he just won the first 15 rounds.

(1950 – ) American boxer & actor













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