Random One-Liners

I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.

American basketball player

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Cricket needs brightening up a bit. My solution is to let the players drink at the beginning of the game, not after. It always works in our picnic matches.

Australian actor

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Undertaker: The last guy to let you down.

Marriage is like a bank account: you put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

(1914 – ) American comic & actor

I'm still an atheist, thank God.

(1900 – 1983) Spanish filmmaker

Never say ‘yes’ to any invitation three months away that you would be dreading if it were tomorrow.

I’d be a vegetarian if bacon grew on trees.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

(1932 – ) movie actress

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

That dame is older than the Continental Shelf!

(1944 – ) American actor, director & producer

The other line moves faster.

A man will do more for his stubbornness than for his religion or his country.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate his wife.

(1903 – 1987 diplomat, playwright, journalist & politician

I almost got a girl pregnant in high school; it's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system.

(12/06/1953 – ) American actor, comedian, director & game show host

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard – day-in and day-out – just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it’s all over, he showers and goes to his job.


You don't even know what they're selling until the very end: three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself – 'Buy a bike!'

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
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