Random One-Liners

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

There's one thing about baldness; it's neat.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist

Once a pitcher loses his fastball, he has to go to the garbage.

baseball player

Actress: I enjoyed your book. Who wrote it for you?

Chase: I'm so glad you liked it. Who read it to you?

(1900 – 1978) American actress & novelist

It's kind of like tumbling around inside a giant clothes-drier.

American motorcycle racer

I don’t suggest that her face has been lifted, but there’s a possibility that her body has been lowered.

(1939 – ) Australian author, critic, broadcaster, poet & memoirist

The length of debate varies inversely with the complexity of the issue.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

When the Republicans read the Constitution on the House floor, that's the first time ever that Republicans read something that wasn't written by a lobbyist.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger

George Halas throws nickels around like man hole covers.

(1939 – ) American football player & coach

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was “Hang up, I got it!”

comedian, writer, actor & producer

One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

You spend too much money? Nah. A lot of people go to Switzerland to get their watch fixed.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

And our credo: “Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc.” We gladly feast on those who would subdue us. Not just pretty words.

(1951 – ) American actress & director

One time, my own father caught me watching a porno movie… the one thing you don’t want to hear in that situation is, ‘Son, move over.’

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & televison host

It’s not the people who vote that count, it’s the people who count the votes.

(1878 – 1953) Soviet politician, leader of the Soviet Union

When we are happy we are always good, but when we are good we are not always happy.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

His detractors faulted him for over managing and for giving more signs than the Coast Guard.

baseball writer