Random One-Liners

I occasionally get birthday cards from fans, but it's often the same message… they hope it's my last.

American baseball umpire

I’d like to tell you some jokes now, but you’d only laugh.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

“I can’t be bothered,” said Tom carelessly.

In my sport the quick are too often listed among the dead.

Scottish auto racer

Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. … I can’t believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday! [sighs] And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with it's just compounding the felony.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

My Opinions Change With New Information

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

(1799 – 1850) French novelist & playwright

I won't say Wilt Chamberlain is the strongest man I've ever known, but when he wipes the sweat off his brow, people in the balcony get a bath.

basketball coach

The House of Lords must be the only institution in the world which is kept efficient by the persistent absenteeism of most of its members.

(1870 – 1963) British politician & diplomat

Laws are like sausages… it’s better not to see them being made.

(1815 – 1898) Prussian statesman

You don't hesitate with Michael, or you'll end up on some poster in a gift shop someplace.

American basketball player

Relax, all right? Don’t try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring; besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some ground balls. It’s more democratic.

(1955 – ) American actor, musician, producer & director

Psychiatrists: People with the same problems as anyone else, but with an accent.

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Prosecutor: Chicolini, when were you born?
Chicolini: I don’t-a remember. I was just a little baby.

(1887 – 1961) comedian, actor & member of the Marx Brothers

Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.

She has more talent to the square head than anybody I know.

(1908–1960) British film actress

I live in a two-income household… but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

The only person who ever left the Iron Curtain wearing it.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
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