Random One-Liners

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.

(1863 – 1941) U.S. senator (California) & U.S. Secretary of the Treasury

Balancing the budget is like going to haven: everybody wants to do it, but nobody wants to do what you have to do to get there.

(1942 – ) U.S. senator (Texas)

The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

I'm tired. I'm going back to bed.

(1914 – 1959) American actor best known for his role as Superman

You never realize what a good memory you have until you try to forget something.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I don’t even butter my bread… I consider that cooking.

American socialite

When the issue is trivial, and everyone understands it, debate is almost interminable.

There's a difference between beauty and charm; a beautiful woman is one I notice, a charming woman is one who notices me.

(1879 – 1951) American educator, writer & musician

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse; an antler got stuck in my throat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Chef: A man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every day.

I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold, I almost got married.

(1920 – 2006) American actress

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75; walked back out in the street – genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

This guy says, ‘I’m perfect for you, ‘cause I’m a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.’ … I said, ‘Oh, a gay trucker?’

(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian

It’s permanent, for now.

professional baseball player

Confucius say… woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.

Diplomacy: To do and say the nastiest thing in the nicest way. 

(1887 – 1938) American journalist, author, editor & lecturer

The fact that you do not know the answer does not meant that someone else does.

If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Alas: Early Victorian for, “Oh, Hell.”

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
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