Random One-Liners

Appetizers are little things you keep eating until you lose your appetite.

(1906 – 1989) American poet & author

I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night.

(1961 – 1994) comedian

That's Jack Benny; he's always out there on bad days like that looking for golf balls.

(1902 – 1977) American singer & actor

Never look at the trombones; you’ll only encourage them.

(1864 – 1949) German composer

A fool and his money are soon married.

(1862 – 1942) American author & poet

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

Hi ho Silverwear… Away!

(1971 – ) American actress

Laird has been brought in to stand in the corner of the circle.

Australian cricketer & commentator

Probably the best thing that happened to me was going nuts. Nobody knew who I was until that happened.

(1929 – ) American baseball player who had a well-publicized bipolar disorder

And we're by far the most generous nation in the world when it comes to that, and I'm proud to report that. This isn't a contest of who's the most generous. I'm just telling you as an aside. We're generous. We shouldn't be bragging about it. But we are. We're very generous.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment.

Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.

(1942 – 1999) American actress

It's funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it's when you realize that your wife left you in May.

(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter

The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Mitch Robbins: What if I can’t?
Barbara: We’ll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

(1951 – ) American actress & playwright

A statesman is any politician it’s considered safe to name a school after.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The Dago on the Yarmulke.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Hockey is a game played by six good players and a home team.

My Hungarian grandfather was the kind of man that could follow someone into a revolving door and come out first.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director

<a href=”http://theautismsite.greatergood.com/clickToGive/&origin=AUT_linktous_Medium”><img border=”0″ alt=”Help children living with autism with one click. The Autism Site” src=”http://theautismsite.greatergood.com/clickToGive/images/content/linktous_aut_medium.jpg”></img></a>

<div style=”height:15px;”></div>