Random One-Liners

My parents only had one argument in forty-five years; it lasted forty-three years.

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor

Zebra: A horse behind bars.

It passes outta you through your lower intestubes.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I have been called too vague by you know who… but you know the old saying…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.

Italian motor racing driver & entrepreneur

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his life.

(1929 – ) British politician

It probably helps if you're high too when checking out Bad Teacher, as that might help you get through the film’s excruciating lack of plot, combined with a cast of characters that might as well have been lifted directly from every single f**king movie about a school ever made… ever.

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

A pun is the lowest form of humor – when you don't think of it first.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

I miss the things like the camaraderie in the gym; I don’t miss being smacked in the mouth every day.

Irish professional boxer

Plumber: A drain surgeon.

Gehringer goes two for five on Opening Day and stays that way all season.

American baseball pitcher

Girdle: Accessory after the fat.

There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Teaching wasn’t that bad – except for the kids.

comedian

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

He had eyes in his ears.

American basketball announcer

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.

(1932 – ) movie actress

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You're only interested in one thing,” and you can't remember what it is.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

The Animal Rescue Site