Random One-Liners

A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month… the other 49 percent didn’t answer the phone.

(1962 – ) American actor and talk show host

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

If Dracula bit Dean [Martin] in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

(1919 – 2006) American comedian & actor

I concentrate on exercises from the waist down, since that is the laziest part of a woman's body.

(1934 – ) American actress, singer & author

Spanish PR’s from the Caraboon.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never, and two, if you’re selling ice cream.

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host

Obesity: A surplus gone to waist.

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move… he’ll talk to you, I promise.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

It’s not the men in your life that matters, it’s the life in your men.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Confucius say… man who is basketball player dribbles before he shoots.

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

A kind of cross between Julia Roberts and Jack Nicholson.

British journalist, author and television & music critic

Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.

Cat: A lap warmer with a built-in buzzer.

I’d say that the Meathead probably got magnesia and forgot where his mouth was.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I’m now at the age where I’ve got to prove that I’m just as good as I never was.

(1908 – 1990) English actor

And we're by far the most generous nation in the world when it comes to that, and I'm proud to report that. This isn't a contest of who's the most generous. I'm just telling you as an aside. We're generous. We shouldn't be bragging about it. But we are. We're very generous.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

We’re in for a long struggle, and I think Texans understand that… and so do Americans.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
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