Random One-Liners

60 per cent of all the Aussies think Joe Bugner is something you find up the Queensland Premier's nose.

It's not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame.

American football player

Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

Seems like only a year ago they were married nine years!

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Confucius say… it Is not how deep you fish, it is how you wiggle your worm.

It arrived by first-class mail in second-class condition.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

Turner pulls into second with a sun-blown double.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Dentist: A collector of old magazines.

Listening to the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for forty-five minutes.

(1900 – 1990) classical composer, teacher, writer & conductor

Thinly sliced cabbage.

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Before borrowing from a friend, decide which you need most.

You have to know a man awfully well in Canada to know his surname.

(1875 – 1940) Scottish novelist, historian & Governor General of Canada

Four-letter Word: Par for the coarse.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

The meal is not over when I'm full – the meal is over when I hate myself.

Louis Szekely (1967 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & director

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist