Random One-Liners

To the man who only has a hammer, every problem starts looking like a nail.

(1908 – 1970) American professor of psychology

Socialite: Whatever possessed you to be born in a place like Lowell, Massachusetts?

Whistler: I wished to be near my mother.

(1834 – 1903) American-born, British-based artist

Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

Intimacy: A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

You sons of bitches, give my love to Mother!

(1912 - 1932) American convicted murderer & career criminal

She is so old… she was the waitress at the last supper.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can, as a rule, calculate on the support of Paul.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent; she can't wait to disprove it.

(1904 – 1986) English-American actor

Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit.

(1966 – ) American boxing champion

Death and taxes are inevitable.

(1796-1865) Canadian politician, judge & author

Yesterday, the President met with a group he calls the coalition-of-the-willing; or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure.

A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.

(1902 – 1994) British-born American trial lawyer & author

Seems like only a year ago they were married nine years!

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

A triumph of the embalmer's art.

(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter

My wife… a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You are always complimented on the item that took the least effort to prepare. Example: If you make roast turkey, you will be complimented on the baked potato.

A good marriage is really good after serving together in Washington, D.C.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

Confucius say… the only thing divorce proves is whose mother was right in the first place.













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