Random One-Liners

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

I knew I was in trouble when I heard snap, crackle, and pop, and I wasn't having a bowl of cereal.

Canadian hockey player

I shouldn’t tell jokes about my wife. She’s attached to a machine that keeps her alive… the refrigerator.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver; finishing second in politics gets you oblivion.

(1913 – 1994) 37th U.S. president

Sometimes, when I’m sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work; they never last too long though, because invariable someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus.

Antibody: Against everyone.

It’s like kissing Hitler.

(1925 – 2010) American film actor

Confucius say… easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Every organization has an allotted number of positions to be filled by incompetents.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer

You might be a redneck if… your the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Julie Kavner)

The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.

Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist

Confucius say… church's bills are always due unto others.

Sex is natural, but not if it's done right.

Their idea of a minority is, in all seriousness, a British dude painted orange.

film reviewer

Antique: Something too old to be anything but too expensive.

If you have the facts on your side, hammer the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer the law. If you have neither the facts nor the law, hammer the table.

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