Random One-Liners

After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

A garden gnome expelled from Eden.

(1927 – 1980) English theatre critic & writer

Fly off the handle

Price: Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

I got a guy who's short, stoop shouldered and balding with two left feet. They all look better than he does as far as the moves are concerned, but they don't look so good on the canvas.

American boxing trainer

I had my palm read; I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Among the many remedies that won’t cure a cold, the most common is advice.

The Catholics have an interesting view of sex; it is disgusting, amoral and filthy and you should save it for one you love.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian & filmmaker

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

There have been only two geniuses in the world – Willie Mays and William Shakespeare.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress

One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Larry Holmes doesn't hit as hard as Earnie Shavers. Nobody hits like Shavers. If anybody hit harder than Shavers, I'd shoot him.

(1950 – ) American boxer & actor

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

Treated him like a red-headed stepchild.

Of all the great qualities he had, and there were so many, there was one thing that set him apart from everybody else; he really thought I was funny.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula… and it took a 7 to do that.

(1919 – 1998) American sportswriter

When he does smile, he looks as if he's just evicted a widow.

(1932 – 1997) newspaper columnist

There are two kinds of truth: there are real truths, and there are made up truths.

(1936 – ) American politician, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

You’d better begin your sexual intercourse after the delivery after the one mouth check-up with a doctor.

She doesn't pay me anything. I pay her. Besides, what position can she play?

Toronto Maple Leafs owner