Random One-Liners

Handicap: An allocation of strokes on one or more holes that permits two golfers of very different ability to do equally poorly on the same course.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)

Dance with the one what brung ya.

(1924 – 2012) American football player & coach

Nature abhors a virgin – a frozen asset.

(1903 – 1987 diplomat, playwright, journalist & politician

I don't like them fellas who drive in two runs and let in three.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

I want to be cremated and have my ashes thrown on Robert Redford.

1922) American actress, comedian & television personality

You might be a redneck if… you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Over 75 percent of white Americans own their home, and less than 50 percent of Hispanos and African Americans don't own their home. And that's a gap, that's a homeownership gap.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

People have discovered that they can fool the devil; but they can't fool the neighbors.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

Men are like portable heaters that snore.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

If love was easy, there would be almost no music.

(1960 – ) American comedian

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir; it merely mummifies its corpse.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

I Xeroxed a mirror and now I have an extra Xerox machine.


You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Winter is nature’s way of saying, “Up yours.”

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

I had some eyeglasses… I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If you have one of these symptoms, please call this 800 number – Death, Heartburn, …

Sex between two people is a beautiful thing – between five it's fantastic.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

How long have you known me, Jack?… and you still don’t know how to spell my name.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

All you need to be the Vice President is a blue suit and a pulse… and Dick Cheney has shown that you don’t even need the pulse.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host













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