Random One-Liners

Either I’ve been missing something or nothing has been going on.

American author

The customer is always ripe.

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Now that Im retired, I want to say that all defensive linemen are sissies.

American football player

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

(1885 – 1957) French stage actor, film actor, director, screenwriter & playwright

Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke” … but to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

When it comes to eating, you can sometimes help yourself more by helping yourself less.

(1906 – 1989) American poet & author

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Colonel Blake: Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix about you… says you stole a jeep up at Headquarters.

Hawkeye Pierce: No sir, no, I didn’t steal it. No, it’s right outside.

(1935 – ) Canadian actor

If Michaelangelo had been a heterosexual, the Sistine Chapel would have been painted basic white and with a roller.

1944) is an American writer & screenwriter

Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll under the car to the vehicle's exact geographic center.

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is “cheval,” and everything else follows in the same way.

(1922 – 1990) American computer scientist

Pugsley: We're not shy!

Wednesday: We're contagious.

(1980 – ) American actress

Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times… definitely will.

He's skating like he's 36 again.

Canadian hockey player

The day Mickey Mantle bunted when the wind was blowing in on Crosley Field.

American baseball pitcher

There is never enough time, unless you’re serving it.

(1919 – 1990) publisher & author

The only advice I ever got from my dad is this: sex is like pizza, even when it's bad you still gotta pay for it.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
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