Random One-Liners

It doesn’t take rocket appliances.

Intelligence Malaprops Wordplay

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Murphy's Laws Problems Things

The CIA is made up of boys whose families sent them to Princeton but wouldn’t let them into the family brokerage business.

(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president
Government Money

It isn’t the high price of stars that is expensive, it’s the high price of mediocrity.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter
Money Sports Success

To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler – and less trouble.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Good Problems Situations

She’s possum ugly.

Appearance Expressions Ugly

This evening is a very different evening from the morning we had this morning.

(1926 – ) English sports commentator
Misspokements Time Wordplay

The price of any product produced for a government agency will be not less than the square of the initial Firm Fixed-Price Contract.

Government Money Murphy's Laws

An optimist is a man who has never had much experience.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Life People

I’m a little kid; I’m gone 12, 13, 14 hours… I don’t remember anybody coming looking for me… no Amber Alert goes off.

American comedian
Age Young

I know I’m God because when I pray to him I find I’m talking to myself.

(1931 – 2004) English playwright & screenwriter
Beliefs God People Self

[My husband] can’t stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can’t stand the competition.

(1917 – ) comedian & actress
Appearance People Self

A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.

(1688 – 1744) English poet
Insults Intelligence

L.A. is very dangerous; I carry a gun in my car, that way, in case the police stop me, I can fend them off until the press gets there.

comedian
Arms Conflict Places Police

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers,” so I did, and it was a load off my mind; then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

(1968 – 2005) stand-up comedian
Entertainment Memory Television

The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

Military Murphy's Laws

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Death

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Self Wives

How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Games Situations

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

comedian, counselor & speaker
Celebrity Death Science Success Wealth Weather

Never darken my Dior again!

(1894 – 1989) Canadian actress
Appearance Clothing Situations
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