Random One-Liners

It's pretty much a bunch of people who don't live in a trailer park, yet like to vacation there.

comedian

I didn’t really say everything I said.

(1925 – ) baseball player, coach & manager

Learn to be sincere, even if you have to fake it.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People who think money can do anything may very well be suspected of doing anything for money.

author

Confucius say… woman who absentmindedly answer door in her nightie is negligent.

He could hit .300 with a fountain pen.

(1926 – ) American baseball player, announcer & television host

I can levitate birds… no one cares.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I could be such a wonderful wife to another wife's husband.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist

To all you hunters who kill animals for food, shame on you; you ought to go to the store and buy the meat that was made there, where no animals were harmed.

I want to be a diva… like people-totally-respect-my-music diva, not diva like carry-my-Diet-Coke-around.

(1980 – ) American singer

That’s the fourth extra base hit for the Padres – two doubles and a triple.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer

We're right next to Mile High Stadium. I'm no rocket scientist, but… uh… [smile]

Canadian hockey player

Lou: Put it on an idiot card for Ted.

Ted: Cue cards, Lou. I don’t know why everyone insists on calling cue cards idiot cards.

Murray: We just have trouble thinking of you as a cue.

(1931 – ) American actor

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

You might be a redneck if… your school fight song is Dueling Banjos.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.

(1874 – 1963) American poet

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

(1903 – 1966) English writer

If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.

Confucius say… religious woman with hole in pocket, feel holy all day.

Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

The Diabetes Site