Random One-Liners

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.

(1893 – 1980) American singer, pianist, comedian & actor

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he’s doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

It is impossible to tell where the law stops and justice begins.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush,’ ‘Dick,’ and ‘Colon.’

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

Imported from a little town in Italy… Fresno.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.

(1894 – 1987) British writer

Somebody once said that laughter is the best medicine, and that was clearly written by a man that never tried Vicodin.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I hear [soccer player] Glenn Hoddle has found God; that must have been one hell of a pass.

(Robert Norman Davis) (1945 – ) British comedian & actor

Dachshund: An animal half a dog high by a dog and a half long.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Contempt: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country it is a form of popular entertainment.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist

Ferrari leads, McLaren second, McLaren second, Jordan third, and Benneton fifth and sixth.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator

Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”

We had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought me Viagra; I bought her a treadmill.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor

There seems only one way to beat George Foreman: shell him for three days and then send the infantry in.

(1934 – ) Scottish sports writer

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

A kind of cross between Julia Roberts and Jack Nicholson.

British journalist, author and television & music critic

Now, if you’ll observe, my dear, croquet is a combination of two things: balance, timing, peripheral vision, superb coordination, and a killer’s instinct!

(1930 – ) American actor

[to campers] Attention. Here’s an update on tonight’s dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The winner of tonight’s mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed “some kind of beef.”

(1950 – ) American actor & comedian
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