Random One-Liners

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

Golf is not a game, it’s bondage; it was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins.

The NRA is not pro-gun, they’re anti-varmint.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Under any given set of environmental conditions an experimental animal behaves as it damn well pleases.

Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

(1949 – ) American comedian & television actor

Listening to the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for forty-five minutes.

(1900 – 1990) classical composer, teacher, writer & conductor

Confucius say… police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud.

They said I was such a great prospect that they were sending me to a winter league to sharpen up.; when I stepped off the plane, I was in Greenland.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor

I enjoy hitting a batsman more than getting him out. It doesn't worry me in the least to see a batsman hurt, rolling around screaming and blood on the pitch.

Australian crickete

The difference between journalism and literature is that journalism is unreadable and literature is never read.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

Don't lie, steal, or cheat unnecessarily.

If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

I can close any cut in the world in 50 seconds, so long as it ain't a total beheading.

boxing cut-man

The Canadian military is like Switzerland's… without the knife.

Canadian comedian & author

Gretzky knows it time to retire now — he's finally slow enough to get hit by Luke Richardson.

American sportswriter

Kids used to ask you where they came from – now they tell you where to go.

The young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

I hope there’s a tinge of disgrace about me; hopefully, there’s one good scandal left in me yet.

(1938 – ) English actress