Random One-Liners

What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?

cartoon character in, The Simpsons (Harry Shearer)

Norm: I wish I had time for a hobby.
Cliff: Norm, you’ve got time to make your own coal.

(1947 – ) American actor & entrepreneur

Five days shalt thou labour, as the Bible says. The seventh day is the Lord thy God's. The sixth day is for football.

(1917 – 1993) British composer & novelist

When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!

(1973 – ) American comedian

A consultant is someone who, when hired to find out what time it is, borrows your watch to find out.

The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit

I'm thrilled to be here in the bread basket of America because it gives me a chance to remind our fellow citizens that we have an advantage here in America – we can feed ourselves.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

A woman is as young as her knees.

(1934 – ) British fashion designer

Everything Tyson's got has 'goodnight' written on it.

American boxing referee

The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it's compromising.

In a three story building served by one elevator, the elevator car will be on a floor where you are not.

Living up to ideals is like doing everyday work with your Sunday clothes on.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

Do you follow where I'm coming from?

The child that divides gets last pick.

We (the Mets) are a much improved ball club, now we lose in extra innings!

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

I don't know why people video tape sex because after I have sex, the only thing I can think of is that I'm glad nobody saw that.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

Confucius say… man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Golf, like measles, should be caught young.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

Laughing is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one spot.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

You might be a redneck if… you think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
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