Random One-Liners

Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.

(1721 – 1771) Scottish poet & author

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!

(1926 – ) English sports commentator

Drug: A substance that, when injected into a guinea pig, produces a scientific paper.

You haven’t lived until you’ve died in California.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician

Living is messy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It is hard for the ape to believe that he has descended from man.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

And he’s got the icepack on his groin there, so it’s possibly not the old shoulder injury.

English rugby player & commentator

If beauty is truth, why don’t women go to the library to have their hair done?

(1805 – 1864) English editor, novelist & sporting writer

Nice guys finish last.

(1906 – 1991) American baseball player, coach & manager

Gigolo: A fee-male.

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)

Confucius say… who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

I broke in with four hits and the writers promptly declared they had seen the new Ty Cobb… it took me only a few days to correct that impression.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

It is always the best policy to speak the truth…` unless, of course you are an exceptionally good liar.

(1859 – 1927) English writer

Why is a puck called a puck? Because ‘dirty little bastard’ was taken.

Canadian hockey player

A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure.

I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

(1938 – 2007) British writer

Fortunes are made by buying low and selling too soon.

(1840 – 1915) British banker & politician
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