Random One-Liners

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

(1857 – 1938) American lawyer

Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot.

(1904 – 1989) Spanish surrealist painter

Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

If you take your eye off Gretzky, he'll bank it off your skate, your back, your helmet or your wife. I could hang a nickel in the net and he'd hit it every time.

Canadian hockey player

In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

Every day I add to the list of things I refuse to discuss; the wiser the man, the longer the list.

(1741 – 1794) French writer

There comes a time in every man’s life… and I’ve had many of them.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

My coach said I ran like a girl, I said if he could run a little faster he could too.

1972 – ) American soccer player

Zigzag: The shortest distance between two drinks.

… electrical degenerators

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

… just to relieve the monopoly.

Go ahead and putt, you are not interrupting my conversation. 

Rich widows are the only secondhand goods that sell at first-class prices.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone “Hello?”

(1973 – ) animator, writer, actor & producer

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

A golf course is nothing but a poolroom moved outdoors.

Irish actor

The first draft of anything is shit.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist

Lawyer: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Waiter, will you serve the nuts? I mean, will you serve the guests the nuts?

(1905 – 1993) American actress

The Hunger Site