Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.
(1893 – 1980) American singer, pianist, comedian & actor
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”
(1956 – ) American comedian
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he’s doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
It is impossible to tell where the law stops and justice begins.
Arthur ‘Bugs’ Baer
(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush,’ ‘Dick,’ and ‘Colon.’
(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Imported from a little town in Italy…
All In the Family
Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.
(1894 – 1987) British writer
Somebody once said that laughter is the best medicine, and that was clearly written by a man that never tried Vicodin.
(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
I hear [soccer player] Glenn Hoddle has found God; that must have been one hell of a pass.
(Robert Norman Davis) (1945 – ) British comedian & actor
Soccer player Glenn Hoddle
Dachshund: An animal half a dog high by a dog and a half long.
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Contempt: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country it is a form of popular entertainment.
(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Ferrari leads, McLaren second, McLaren second, Jordan third, and Benneton fifth and sixth.
(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
We had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought me Viagra; I bought her a treadmill.
Jim Norton Jr.
(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor
There seems only one way to beat George Foreman: shell him for three days and then send the infantry in.
(1934 – ) Scottish sports writer
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
A kind of cross between Julia Roberts and Jack Nicholson.
British journalist, author and television & music critic
About Lolita Davidovich
Now, if you’ll observe, my dear, croquet is a combination of
things: balance, timing, peripheral vision, superb coordination, and a killer’s instinct!
(1930 – ) American actor
As Gomez Addams in TV’s “The Addams Family”
[to campers] Attention. Here’s an update on tonight’s dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The winner of tonight’s mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed “some kind of beef.”
(1950 – ) American actor & comedian
As Tripper in “Meatballs”
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