Random One-Liners

Holland lies so low they're only saved by being dammed.

(1799 – 1845) English writer

There is no such thing necessarily in a dictatorial regime of iron-clad absolutely solid evidence. The evidence I had was the best possible evidence that he had a weapon.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

The nearest approach to immortality on earth is a government bureau.

(1879 – 1972) U.S. governor (South Carolina)

My specialty is detached malevolence.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit

In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

One missed photographic opportunity creates a desire to purchase two additional pieces of equipment.

Gloria: How come you married Daddy instead of (Freddie Witthauser)?
Edith: Well, I liked being called a “Goddess of Beauty”, but somehow it seemed more permanent when your father called me a dingbat.

(1923 – 2013) American actress

The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

(1911 – 1989) television actress

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president… now I'm beginning to believe it.

(1857 – 1938) American lawyer

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.

comedian

At 15 we put down my bag to hunt for a ball, found the ball, lost the bag.

(1942 – ) American professional golfer

Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.

(1917 –1986) American journalist

Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you get.

(1926 – 1983) American comedian & singer

Television opened up a whole new field of unemployment for him.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.

(1864 –1945) Anglo-Scottish socialite, author & wit

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Failure has gone to his head.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

Reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

You always hear a headline like this,”Man Killed By Shark,” you never hear it from the other perspective, “Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side