Random One-Liners

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everyone and still nobody likes him.

(1948 – 1990) comedian

From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back.

(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer

I love America, but I just don’t feel comfortable celebrating Independence Day… because I still live at home with my mother and it wouldn’t be honest.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

Democrats Are Sexy. Who Ever Heard of of Good Piece of Elephant.

I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them at least five years.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer

Frank Harris is invited to all of the great houses in England – once.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Confucius say… wise speak when they have something to say; fools speak when they have to say something.

I know the world isn’t fair, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I won't tell you how many times my dad has been married, but if they were sandwiches, his next one would be free.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

A good place to start from is where you are.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it’s best to let him run.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president

The Last Airbender is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.

(1942 – 2013) American film critic, journalist & screenwriter

Jean Alesi is 4th and 5th.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist

My God, we've had cloning in the South for years… it's called cousins.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director