Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, definitions, proverbs & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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It is not necessary to have relatives in Kansas City to be unhappy.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised; and there's a reason – all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Confucius say… man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
You might be a redneck if… your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
I've always have this fantasy to make love to two women – you know, in the same year.
Stevie Ray Fromstein
television writer, actor
It's a damn good story; if you have any comments, write them on the back of a check.
Erle Stanley Gardner
(1889 – 1970) American lawyer & author
On a submitted manuscript
Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficiency.
Damn it! How will I ever get out of this labyrinth?
(1783 – 1830) Venezuelan military & political leader
Also stated as “Fetch The Luggage”
Subject of dispute
I've been knocked down more than any heavyweight champion in history, but I consider that a compliment, because I must have got up more than any heavyweight champion.
American boxing champion
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
NOKIA – connocting poopie [sic]
Lawyer: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
Grandmother: A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.
Alimony: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
It’s obvious these Russian swimmers are determined to do well on American soil.
British swimmer & sports commentator
You will be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for the best Supporting Actor.
(1927 – 2008) American comedic actor
As Hedley Lamarr in “Blazing Saddles”
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate
For NASA, space is still a high priority.
(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Nora: You know, that sounds like an interesting case. Why don’t you take it?Nick: I haven’t the time. I’m much too busy seeing that you don’t lose any of the money I married you for.
(1892 – 1984) American actor
As Nick Charles in “The Thin Man”
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around; but when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness.
George W. Bush
(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
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