Random One-Liners

It is not necessary to have relatives in Kansas City to be unhappy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised; and there's a reason – all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright

Confucius say… man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

You might be a redneck if… your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I've always have this fantasy to make love to two women – you know, in the same year.

television writer, actor

Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficiency.

Damn it! How will I ever get out of this labyrinth?

(1783 – 1830) Venezuelan military & political leader

I've been knocked down more than any heavyweight champion in history, but I consider that a compliment, because I must have got up more than any heavyweight champion.

American boxing champion

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

NOKIA – connocting poopie [sic]

Lawyer: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

Grandmother: A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.

Alimony: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.

 It’s obvious these Russian swimmers are determined to do well on American soil.

British swimmer & sports commentator

You will be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for the best Supporting Actor.

(1927 – 2008) American comedic actor

Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

For NASA, space is still a high priority.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

Nora: You know, that sounds like an interesting case. Why don’t you take it?
Nick: I haven’t the time. I’m much too busy seeing that you don’t lose any of the money I married you for.

(1892 – 1984) American actor

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around; but when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
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