Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, definitions & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking.
(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer
I just got dumped recently, but I'm alright with it ‘cause we weren’t a good match… you know – I’m a Gemini… she was a whore.
American comedian & musician
A gold mine is a hole in the ground with a liar on top.
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
(1956 – ) author & movie actress
You can’t fool me! There ain’t no Sanity Clause!
(1887 – 1961) comedian, actor & member of the Marx Brothers
As Fiorello in “A Night At The Opera”
Chico debates legal matters
Life is one long process of getting tired.
(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything; that points clearly to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw
(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.
(1955 – ) American actor, musician & playwright
As Harry Dunne in “Dumb and Dumber”
A dying man can do nothing easily.
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
As he lay dying his daughter suggested that if he lay on his side he could breathe easier.
Sue Ann: I just love what you’ve done with your apartment, Mary!Mary: But I haven’t done anything.Sue Ann: I know. That took guts!
1922) American actress, comedian & television personality
As Sue Ann Nivens in “The Mary Tyer Moore Show”
You don’t look so hot yourself.
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
His reply when told he looked cool in his summer suit
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk; that will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
(1899 – 1961) author & journalist
Old age is when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
I’d like to help you, but you don’t drink.
professional baseball player & manager
To Don Kessinger when asked for advice on managing
Diet: What helps a person gain weight more slowly.
Your expectations of how bad >The Lone Ranger is can’t trump the reality.
American film critic & televison interviewer
“The Lone Ranger”
Zoo: A place of refuge where wild animals are protected from people.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing – and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
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