Random One-Liners

Fat: Energy gone to waist.

Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else's.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright

There are two reasons for making a hole in one; the first is that it is immensely labor-saving.

A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

A father is a banker provided by nature.

Eternity's a terrible thought… I mean, where's it all going to end?

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

She raped him in a blanket.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer

If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come 'Lincolnesque' just means tall?”

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist

An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations.

(1689 – 1755) French philosopher & political commentator

What’s the matter with you these days, M’Lynn? You got a reindeer up your butt?

(1931 – ) American actress

In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land; they said, ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes and when we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.

(1931 – ) South African social rights activist & Anglican bishop

This is not even close to what I envisioned a no-hitter would be.

American baseball pitcher

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long as he has income and she is pattable.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

I thought when I was 41, I would be married with kids… well, to be honest I thought I would be married with weekend access.

(1965 – ) British-Irish comedian, writer & actor

I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings… no paint, no canvas; I just think about it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Healthy is just a precancerous condition.

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian

It’s not giving away the surprises that ruins the movie, it’s the surprises that ruin the movie… this director is a young dog who needs some new tricks.

(1959 – ) Canadian-born writer, political commentator & cultural critic
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