Random One-Liners

Good producers are as rare as rocking horse doo-doo.

(1948 – ) English film director

When you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring; I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor

Resolute: Obstinate in a course that we approve.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Diagnosis: A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

Every time I paint a portrait I lose a friend.

(1856 – 1925) American artist & portrait painter

The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Even those who call Mr. Faulkner our greatest literary sadist do not fully appreciate him, for it is not merely his characters who have to run the gauntlet but also his readers.

(1904 – 1999) author, editor, radio host

The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.

(1937 – ) football coach, sportscaster, author & speaker

Legitimate reality company

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Confucius say… boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand.

How tall are you cowboy?
I’m six feet and seven inches, ma’am.
Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about your seven inches.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

Confucius say… man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

It is true that wealth won't make a man virtuous, but I notice there ain't anybody who wants to be poor just for the purpose of being good.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

[on George Burns’s 100th birthday] I don’t know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn’t know it either.

(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian

Old people love to give good advice; it compensates them for their inability to set a bad example.

(1613 – 1680) French writer

He has so much brain and so little beauty.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit

My answer is bring them on.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

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