Random One-Liners

I didn’t ask her for nothin.’ It was her that reduced me.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

A fly was very close to being called a “land,” cause that's what they do half the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

So windy he could blow up an onion sack.

Mr. Hollister: Just how obscene an amount of cash are we talking about here? Profane or really offensive?
Edward Lewis: Really offensive.
Mr. Hollister: I like him so much.

(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist

Drebin: Do you think you can beat the champ?

Briggs: I can take him blindfolded.

Drebin: What if he’s not blindfolded?

(1926 – 2010) Canadian actor

Confucius say… don't confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.

Generally the theories we believe we call facts, and the facts we disbelieve we call theories.

(1907 – 1953) American lawyer & scholar

A joke is a very serious thing.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

Love and marriage go together like angel cake and anthrax.

(1959 – ) English writer & columnist

I thought he was a young man of promise; but it appears he was a young man of promises.

(1848 – 1930) British Conservative politician & statesman

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

She raped him in a blanket.

Retire to what?… I'm a golfer and a fisherman; there's nothing to retire to.

professional golfer

To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.

professional football player

Write drunk; edit sober.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Gregory: Rose, I love you and I… I want to be married to you.
Rose: Gregory, You are married to me.
Gregory: Uh… that’s right!

(1942 – ) American singer-songwriter, actress, writer, film producer & director

One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

I find, then, I am but a bad anatomist.

(1763 – 1798) Irish revolutionary figure
The Hunger Site