Random One-Liners

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking.

(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer

I just got dumped recently, but I'm alright with it ‘cause we weren’t a good match… you know – I’m a Gemini… she was a whore.

American comedian & musician

A gold mine is a hole in the ground with a liar on top.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

(1956 – ) author & movie actress

You can’t fool me! There ain’t no Sanity Clause!

(1887 – 1961) comedian, actor & member of the Marx Brothers

Life is one long process of getting tired.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything; that points clearly to a political career.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.

(1955 – ) American actor, musician & playwright

A dying man can do nothing easily.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Sue Ann: I just love what you’ve done with your apartment, Mary!

Mary: But I haven’t done anything.

Sue Ann: I know. That took guts!

1922) American actress, comedian & television personality

You don’t look so hot yourself.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk; that will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist

Old age is when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer

I’d like to help you, but you don’t drink.

professional baseball player & manager

Diet: What helps a person gain weight more slowly.

Your expectations of how bad The Lone Ranger is can’t trump the reality.

American film critic & televison interviewer

Zoo: A place of refuge where wild animals are protected from people.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing – and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
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