Random One-Liners

Man is the only kind of varmint who sets his own trap, baits it, then steps on it.

(1902 – 1968) novelist

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Cliff: [to Eric] We swear not a word you say will ever go beyond this room.

Norm: We never go beyond this room.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor

Maybe that's all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place.

(1975 – ) actor, director, screenwriter & producer

The miser and the glutton are two facetious buzzards: one hides his store, and the other stores his hide.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck and since the first two are a function of the third, it’s pretty much all luck.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle; I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

(1910 – 1997) Albanian–born Indian Roman Catholic nun

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

(1902 – 1971) American comedian & singer

[to his now-fat ex-wife, at their daughter’s wedding] Remember, you haven’t lost a daughter – you’ve gained a ton.

(1935 – ) American actor

One time, my own father caught me watching a porno movie… the one thing you don’t want to hear in that situation is, ‘Son, move over.’

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

Dinah [Shore] formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.

(1919 – 2006) American comedian & actor

We’re not fighting, Carla. We’re merely discussing a little difference of opinion… I think Sam is a heartless mindless slack-jawed cretin and he disagrees.

(1949 – ) American actress

Norm: I want something light and cold.

Carla: Sorry, it’s Diane’s day off.

(1948 – ) American actress

When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer

And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the – of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Hockey is figure skating in a war zone

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

Kids… it’s like living with homeless people.

(1965 – ) American comedian

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