Random One-Liners

Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless no-name, he immediately rises to stardom.

Scooter Libby was found guilty of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements… or, as the White House calls it, a press conference.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come.

(1888 – 1959) detective novelist & screenwriter

ear IRS, Please remove me from your mailing list

cartoon character in, Peanuts, by Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000)

It's almost like we have ESPN.

American basketball player

I was the best I ever had.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Me and George and Billy are two of a kind.

professional baseball player

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

I suspect that had my dad not been president, he’d be asking the same questions: How’d your meeting go with so-and-so? … How did you feel when you stood up in front of the people for the State of the Union Address – state of the budget address – whatever you call it.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

It has been said that writing comes more easily if you have something to say.

(1880 – 1957) Polish-Jewish novelist, dramatist & essayist

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist

The Sun has the class of a polyester shirt and the soul of a Colombian hit-man.

You don't hesitate with Michael, or you'll end up on some poster in a gift shop someplace.

American basketball player

She looks better goin than comin!

Forty: The most difficult age for a woman to pass; it often takes years.

The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.

(1888 – 1989) American composer & lyricist

When you’ve seen all of Ionesco’s plays… you’ve seen one of them.

(1927 – 1980) English theatre critic & writer

Friends: There are two kinds of friends – those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

Bigamist: A man who who has had one too many.

Women deprived of the company of men pine, men deprived of the company of women become stupid.

(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician

A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine