Subject: Appearance (Page 49)

You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, which doesn’t say much for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor

Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker

It's hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.

American basketball coach & executive

I suppose you know you have a wonderful body. I’d like to do it in clay.

(1925 – ) American singer & actress

I've been big ever since I was little.

American football player

The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness.

She’s so fat it takes two dogs to bark at her.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

If someone told him to haul ass he'd have to make six trips.

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.

(1929 – 1994) U.S. first lady, wife of John Fitzgerald Kennedy & book editor

There's one thing about baldness; it's neat.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body; then I realized who was telling me this.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Pizza is like a lady’s breasts: there’s good pizza… and there’s great pizza; but there isn’t bad pizza.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music stops.

(1909 – 1986) Australian dancer, actor, theater director & choreographer

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

She is so fat… when she was a kid she could only play seek.

I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don't tan – I stroke!

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.