Author: Anonymous Page 154

He knew how to butter his nest.

Mixed metaphors

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50–50 it will.

Situations

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.

Communication Language Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

America: A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there.

America Definitions Places

Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage.

Marriage Men People Sex Women

Life is beautiful, then you die.

Mixed metaphors

Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.

Beliefs Definitions Occupations

“Hey, what’s it worth if I help you escape from prison?” asked Tom contemptuously.

Tom Swifties

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Proverbs Situations Time

Advice: Something which we give by the bushel but take by the grain.

Definitions

“It’s only average,” said Tom meanly.

Tom Swifties

It is so hot… today I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

Even if you gave him poison he wouldn't die until he'd recovered the deposit on the bottle.

Frugal Money

If we are not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

Animals Food/Drink

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

Definitions Things

“I can take photographs if I want to!” Tom snapped.

Tom Swifties

Specialist: A man who knows more and more about less and less.

Definitions

Bad Driver: The person you run into.

Autos Definitions Things

Toast: The only thing that can be eaten or drunk.

Definitions

Dieting is not a piece of cake.

Food/Drink

Family Planning: Having all your children while their grandparents are still young enough to be babysitters.

Children Definitions Family